Sunday, August 13, 2017

Day Three

It was rough today. I went a 1.35 miles, had to stop a lot, but my head didn't pound nearly as much. Although my knee and back are killing's fun getting older. And I'm exhausted - I think the lack of diet doctor pepper in the afternoon today is kicking me butt. Anyway, I walked, I did it and didn't enjoy it, but I lived. And the garbage can that's right next to the bench smells like a porta potty on a hot summer day - who is crapping in a garbage can? That's the real question of the day.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Day 2

My sweet niece is visiting, and she walks 2-3 miles a day, so she came on today's forced torture. I made it up and down hills, felt the blood pounding through my skull and my shins were killing me. When we got home my blood sugar tanked, quickly, I almost started crying, but my quick thinking husband handed me a jar of grape jelly and told me to eat. I am not a fan of grape jelly but when you're violently shaking and afraid you might pass out, you tend to go crazy. I may have drank an entire gatoraid and had 5 tbs of jelly. Hey, I didn't die. That's a plus. I think the 26 units of insulin I had on board might have had something to do with the low. I did set a temporary basal but that was a butt ton of insulin. Anyway, that's my progress for day 2. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Day 1

So since I suck at blogging, I'm going to use this space to keep log of my exercise. Today DH death marched, err, walked me up and down mountains. Or really big hills. Or small hills that felt like mountains. I learned two things - I am massively out of shape and I turn a shiny red color and sweat a lot. The ordeal lasted 30 minutes, I had one puff on my inhaler, and my blood sugar is tanking. Tomorrow I will wear capris, lower my basal rate and expect to use my inhaler like a crackhead uses their pipe.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017


The last round of depression I had was sneaky. It crept up on me with anger, then feelings of worthlessness and sadness.

I started out by being extremely angry at my significant other, thinking of leaving, wanting to punch him. I didn't know why I was upset, but I was really really upset. I figured it out when I screamed at the dog - something I never do.

I then proceeded to remind myself of how worthless I was, how I was just a burden on everyone, and considering cutting myself to stop the pain. I've never cut, but the urge was strong. I thought it might help.

I also thought about swallowing a bottle of clonazapem with a wine chaser. I don't drink - I gave that up because I could easily be an alcoholic. I like it a lot. A lot. But swallowing a bottle of pills? Not good. I often joke that I'm going to lick the inside of the bottle to get the benefits faster but I'm always kidding.

I don't know why I finally decided to call my doctor, but I am glad I did. He put me on Abilify, which means I'm on two antipsychotics, an antideppresant and anxiety medication. I feel about 100% better now - I can leave the house, I'm enjoying doing things (like this blog) and I'm not feeling like a waste of space.

Anyway, I didn't write this to make you feel sorry for me. I just needed to get this out.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

I really suck at this

I am not a good blogger. I hate to admit it, I had hoped to be better at this, but I forget that I have this thing.

So, what's new? Well, I finally crawled out of the hole depression had me buried in. I can't figure out the trigger, but thanks to my amazing doctor and Abilify I can function again. I actually went to the grocery store by myself - which if you know me - it's a huge accomplishment. I have a mild to moderate case of agoraphobia when my moods are shifty. So there's that.

I've started reading Sherrilyn Kenyon, and read 350 pages today. I got the recommendation from my sister-in-let and am loving it. I also checked out some Sylvia Day books and a non-fiction about Queen Victoria. Random, but good.

And I just told my dog and cat they can't eat q-tips. I felt like I was back in the baby room at work.

I'm also knitting all kinds of good stuff (hats and scarfs mostly) so if you want a hat or scarf, let me know. It will probably take me two to three years to mail it to you - ask my bestie.

Anyway, life is good right now and hopefully I will write more on this thing.

Friday, November 25, 2016

My life as a wino

I have discovered I really enjoy moscato wine. It's yummy, warms me up and makes me want to cry. I don't think I will become a professional drinker because I'm feeling so damn depressed. And anxious. This really sucks. If I could eat bread (thank you celiac) I would absorb this with toast. But no, I can't have toast. Or pumpkin pie. Or anything with a strudel topping. Crap, I'm depressing myself even more. That's it - I'm cutting myself off. I'm done and out.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Triggers - you've been warned

It took me a few days to come to terms with the election results. At first I was terrified, and now I am determined.

Why was I terrified? I am a woman. I was also molested when I was younger. I've had a lot of therapy to come to realize that it was not my fault, and it never should have happened. But when I hear people defending his talk as "locker room talk" I am horrified. No girl should ever have to feel that being talked about or being touched is "normal".

Another reason? I have a mental illness and I'm very open about it. Am I going to be treated like trash because my brain is broken?

I also have a gay friend who was almost beat to death for being gay. Will this continue?

And I know several Muslim women who are the sweetest, kindest people you could meet. By painting all Muslims with one broad stroke is not only wrong, it doesn't take into account all the atrociticies Christians have done in the name of God (and yes, I am a Christian.)

But I am moving beyond terrified to determined. I will spread love instead of hate. And hopefully, counteract ignorance with open dialogue and calm discussions.