Friday, September 29, 2017

Still alive over here

I came to the conclusion that explaining mental illness to someone who doesn't understand it is like trying to thread a needle with a wet spaghetti noodle. It's frustrating and it destroys the noodle.

Why was I having this conversation? Well, my lovely child, who I truly adore, coughed on me. I ended up with a vicious cold that moved into my lungs. I saw my family doctor and she prescribed Prednisone. If you don't know anything about Prednisone, let me educate you. It is the devil. It is awful. It makes me viciously hungry and usually manic. Basically I'm super hyper, not sleeping, and eating EVERYTHING.

I've been dieting up until this point and had lost 15 pounds. (Yay me! :)) But because I was on this high dose of steroids, I ate and ate and ate. I was manic. Nothing could fill me up. I didn't realize it was possible to gain this much weight in a week. (I was on a 50 mg burst for five days).

The mania was the worst. I didn't go to sleep most nights until 11:30 (my usual passing out time is 9:00.) I didn't spend a lot of money, which was good and surprising, because I usually do a lot of shopping. I talked a lot and felt very intense.

I was trying to explain this to someone and they just kept repeating, "Well, you need stronger willpower." When I'm manic, self control goes out the window. I live in the now. I don't think about the consequences of my actions. I want what I want and I want it right now. I have very little control over myself. It's like another person occupies my body and I'm just along for the ride.

Thankfully I'm done with the Prednisone. The first day off of it I crashed. I was so tired, and depressed. But now I'm feeling ok. I'm eating my weight in vegetables - and pooping my weight in vegetables (TMI?).

I can do this. I will do this.