Depression...triggers

The last round of depression I had was sneaky. It crept up on me with anger, then feelings of worthlessness and sadness.

I started out by being extremely angry at my significant other, thinking of leaving, wanting to punch him. I didn't know why I was upset, but I was really really upset. I figured it out when I screamed at the dog - something I never do.

I then proceeded to remind myself of how worthless I was, how I was just a burden on everyone, and considering cutting myself to stop the pain. I've never cut, but the urge was strong. I thought it might help.

I also thought about swallowing a bottle of clonazapem with a wine chaser. I don't drink - I gave that up because I could easily be an alcoholic. I like it a lot. A lot. But swallowing a bottle of pills? Not good. I often joke that I'm going to lick the inside of the bottle to get the benefits faster but I'm always kidding.

I don't know why I finally decided to call my doctor, but I am glad I did. He put me on Abilify, which means I'm on two antipsychotics, an antideppresant and anxiety medication. I feel about 100% better now - I can leave the house, I'm enjoying doing things (like this blog) and I'm not feeling like a waste of space.

Anyway, I didn't write this to make you feel sorry for me. I just needed to get this out.

I really suck at this

I am not a good blogger. I hate to admit it, I had hoped to be better at this, but I forget that I have this thing.

So, what's new? Well, I finally crawled out of the hole depression had me buried in. I can't figure out the trigger, but thanks to my amazing doctor and Abilify I can function again. I actually went to the grocery store by myself - which if you know me - it's a huge accomplishment. I have a mild to moderate case of agoraphobia when my moods are shifty. So there's that.

I've started reading Sherrilyn Kenyon, and read 350 pages today. I got the recommendation from my sister-in-let and am loving it. I also checked out some Sylvia Day books and a non-fiction about Queen Victoria. Random, but good.

And I just told my dog and cat they can't eat q-tips. I felt like I was back in the baby room at work.

I'm also knitting all kinds of good stuff (hats and scarfs mostly) so if you want a hat or scarf, let me know. It will probably take me two to three years to mail it to you - ask my bestie.

Anyway, life is good right now and hopefully I will write more on this thing.