The last round of depression I had was sneaky. It crept up on me with anger, then feelings of worthlessness and sadness.
I started out by being extremely angry at my significant other, thinking of leaving, wanting to punch him. I didn't know why I was upset, but I was really really upset. I figured it out when I screamed at the dog - something I never do.
I then proceeded to remind myself of how worthless I was, how I was just a burden on everyone, and considering cutting myself to stop the pain. I've never cut, but the urge was strong. I thought it might help.
I also thought about swallowing a bottle of clonazapem with a wine chaser. I don't drink - I gave that up because I could easily be an alcoholic. I like it a lot. A lot. But swallowing a bottle of pills? Not good. I often joke that I'm going to lick the inside of the bottle to get the benefits faster but I'm always kidding.
I don't know why I finally decided to call my doctor, but I am glad I did. He put me on Abilify, which means I'm on two antipsychotics, an antideppresant and anxiety medication. I feel about 100% better now - I can leave the house, I'm enjoying doing things (like this blog) and I'm not feeling like a waste of space.
Anyway, I didn't write this to make you feel sorry for me. I just needed to get this out.