Friday, December 15, 2017

Hulk says, "ANXIETY!"

I wake up every morning to a low level, buzzing anxiety. Will the car start today? Will I be able to keep the offspring/dogs/plants alive another day? What should I fill my time with today? Am I going to be able to leave the house? And, best of all, will I have a walloping, heart pounding, light headed anxiety attack?

I've been having anxiety attacks lately, and while I take medication to stop them, sometimes I just have to ride it out. Take last night for instance: Hubs and I were watching TV when my brain misfired, and I started to get light headed. My heart raced, and all I could think of was disaster galore. I froze, then started twitching my foot to keep my brain occupied. I bit my lips to cause pain which would hopefully knock this attack away. I took two clonazepams, and imagined everyone wrong with my life - I am a terrible mother, I suck at housekeeping, I'm not a good friend. It truly sucked.

Eventually the medication started working and I was able to remember that my kid is kind of awesome (ok, he's totally awesome), Hubs doesn't really mind the mess and I think I'm a good friend (that could be up for debate ;)- ). I need to practice more mindfulness, and remember to take my medicine on a regularly scheduled basis.

My anxiety might not look like your anxiety, and that's ok. I have always been weird, I embrace the weird, so what works for you might not work for me. I find that taking my clonezepams on schedule keeps the nasty adrenaline fueled attacks from occurring, and it keeps my worrying/anxiety at a low lying background buzz.

I guess I'm like the Hulk, but instead of always being angry, I'm always anxious.