Depression...triggers

The last round of depression I had was sneaky. It crept up on me with anger, then feelings of worthlessness and sadness.

I started out by being extremely angry at my significant other, thinking of leaving, wanting to punch him. I didn't know why I was upset, but I was really really upset. I figured it out when I screamed at the dog - something I never do.

I then proceeded to remind myself of how worthless I was, how I was just a burden on everyone, and considering cutting myself to stop the pain. I've never cut, but the urge was strong. I thought it might help.

I also thought about swallowing a bottle of clonazapem with a wine chaser. I don't drink - I gave that up because I could easily be an alcoholic. I like it a lot. A lot. But swallowing a bottle of pills? Not good. I often joke that I'm going to lick the inside of the bottle to get the benefits faster but I'm always kidding.

I don't know why I finally decided to call my doctor, but I am glad I did. He put me on Abilify, which means I'm on two antipsychotics, an antideppresant and anxiety medication. I feel about 100% better now - I can leave the house, I'm enjoying doing things (like this blog) and I'm not feeling like a waste of space.

Anyway, I didn't write this to make you feel sorry for me. I just needed to get this out.

I really suck at this

I am not a good blogger. I hate to admit it, I had hoped to be better at this, but I forget that I have this thing.

So, what's new? Well, I finally crawled out of the hole depression had me buried in. I can't figure out the trigger, but thanks to my amazing doctor and Abilify I can function again. I actually went to the grocery store by myself - which if you know me - it's a huge accomplishment. I have a mild to moderate case of agoraphobia when my moods are shifty. So there's that.

I've started reading Sherrilyn Kenyon, and read 350 pages today. I got the recommendation from my sister-in-let and am loving it. I also checked out some Sylvia Day books and a non-fiction about Queen Victoria. Random, but good.

And I just told my dog and cat they can't eat q-tips. I felt like I was back in the baby room at work.

I'm also knitting all kinds of good stuff (hats and scarfs mostly) so if you want a hat or scarf, let me know. It will probably take me two to three years to mail it to you - ask my bestie.

Anyway, life is good right now and hopefully I will write more on this thing.

My life as a wino

I have discovered I really enjoy moscato wine. It's yummy, warms me up and makes me want to cry. I don't think I will become a professional drinker because I'm feeling so damn depressed. And anxious. This really sucks. If I could eat bread (thank you celiac) I would absorb this with toast. But no, I can't have toast. Or pumpkin pie. Or anything with a strudel topping. Crap, I'm depressing myself even more. That's it - I'm cutting myself off. I'm done and out.

Triggers - you've been warned

It took me a few days to come to terms with the election results. At first I was terrified, and now I am determined.

Why was I terrified? I am a woman. I was also molested when I was younger. I've had a lot of therapy to come to realize that it was not my fault, and it never should have happened. But when I hear people defending his talk as "locker room talk" I am horrified. No girl should ever have to feel that being talked about or being touched is "normal".

Another reason? I have a mental illness and I'm very open about it. Am I going to be treated like trash because my brain is broken?

I also have a gay friend who was almost beat to death for being gay. Will this continue?

And I know several Muslim women who are the sweetest, kindest people you could meet. By painting all Muslims with one broad stroke is not only wrong, it doesn't take into account all the atrociticies Christians have done in the name of God (and yes, I am a Christian.)

But I am moving beyond terrified to determined. I will spread love instead of hate. And hopefully, counteract ignorance with open dialogue and calm discussions.

Stabby

I have been exercising lately. In other words, I sweat and turn all red and hurt all over. But I'm feeling the burn, so that's good, right?

I can make it about 5 city blocks before the pain in my shins makes me feel stabby. (Autocorrect wants to change stabby to stab you, which sounds much more threatening but is not what I mean. I just want to take a stick and poke at roadkill. Wait, this has taken a turn...)

Anyway, if you see me out walking and I'm particularly red faced and sweaty, I would probably avoid me. If I've fallen and can't get up, press my life support button. Just kidding - call 911. I've probably had the big one. If I have a stick, run. Run far, far away.

Awkward

I'm a freak of nature...or at least I feel like that sometimes. I have a mild case of agoraphobia and a wicked fear of crowds. Today I did something that triggered a massive anxiety attack and pounding headache. I went to a good friend's wedding.

I was ok during the ceremony, which was beautiful and I may or may not have teared up a little while my friend said her vows. Yeah, I cry at weddings (and funerals, and baptisms, and sappy movies, and basically anywhere someone else is crying). I have an image to uphold so pretend I'm not bawling while watching a Nicholas Sparks movie, m'kay? Thanks.

Where was I going with this? Oh, the reception. It was very nice and I'm positive there were a lot of awesome people there, but I wound up hiding in the bathroom for as long as I could stretch it out and popping two Clonnies.

That calmed me down enough to awkwardly talk to the pastor and his wife. They were extremely nice and didn't make strange faces when I said something loudly or laughed inappropriately. Pastors are great for us socially deficient people - very caring and kind.

Anyway, I made it through and am now headed home to put in jams and read a book about brain eating spiders (fiction).

Peace out ya'all.

I'm hangry...

I am starving.

I am on a “lifestyle change” and instead of being responsible and eating things like fruits and vegetables, I’m consuming a lot of my daily calories in lattes. It’s a bitch to be addicted to good coffee.

I would say the change is going well, but I’m stuffing cheese cubes in my mouth as I type this. Don’t judge me. Cheese has no carbs so I don’t have to do insulin.

Did you know insulin is a growth hormone? What the hell?!? What I take every day to keep myself alive also makes me extremely fat. Well, maybe the lattes and cheese don’t help. But I take a ridiculous amount of insulin to counteract the medication that makes me sane – worth it – so I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Or maybe I should eat some vegetables. Shudder. I like all the starchy veg – corn, peas, potatoes – so maybe I should learn to choke down a carrot or something. That might help with the weight loss. And I should probably lay off the lattes. They are delicious, and addictive, but I can overpower the siren call of sugar and caffeine. (Or I’ll replace it with Diet Mt. Dew. Again, don’t judge me. Diet Mt. Dew might be the most delicious caffeinated beverage out there – right up next to any Coke product.)

Damnit, I’m still hungry and it’s 4:45, so I can’t justify cooking dinner just yet. Fifteen minutes….I can make it. I hope.

If you don’t hear from me in a few days I’ve starved to death – send cheese cubes and Diet Mt. Dew.